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What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

     Narcissism is a personality disorder that has specific characteristics and is very hard to change.  It is a mental condition that involves an inflated sense of self-importance, grandiose thoughts and lack of empathy for others.  Narcissism is multifactorial involving genetics and environmental influences.  Often the person was criticized harshly in younger years or was treated as a golden child.  Because of the behaviors that a narcissist exhibits, they are not well liked and are very abusive people.  This abuse is very hard to understand and gets hidden by their manipulative ways creating a situation where victims are often misunderstood while the narcissist looks like a wonderful person to the outside world.

     Narcissists hide behind a mask of extreme confidence when in reality they are very fragile people.  They desperately need extreme attention and admiration to fill their need of extraordinary entitlement.  They often don't get along with others and cause drama on purpose.  The people they manipulate to like them are called "flying monkeys."  Narcissists are very charming and the flying monkeys are their puppets to disguise their abuse. They lack empathy toward others and are very calculated in their tactics of abuse. 

The Symptoms of Narcissism

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder are indicated by five or more of the following symptoms according to www.psychologytoday.com and www.theravive.com

1.  Exaggerates own importance
2.  Preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty or intelligence
3.  Believes that he or she is elite and can only be understood by similar individuals
4.  Needs constant attention and admiration
5.  Has beyond normal expectations of being treated favorably or very entitled
6.  Takes advantage of others to reach his or her goals
7.  Lacks empathy and disregards the feelings of others
8.  Is envious or resentful of others and thinks others are envious or resentful of him or her
9.  Is often arrogant, conceited, or egotistical with behavior and attitudes

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What are the Tactics that Narcissists Use?
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What are the Solutions for the Victim?

     Narcissists use many tactics to manipulate and control their victims.  Narcissistic abuse is one of the worst forms of abuse to experience.  Unfortunately, victims stay longer than they should due to the twisted reality that is constantly thrown at them.  Victims often are confused on what reality actually is and are made to feel inferior over and over again.  Victims often try to fix the narcissist all the while the narcissist feels like the winner as he or she watches their victim try to help them.  This game of manipulation creates "fuel" for the narcissist and the cycle never ends.  Here is a list of some of the tactics that a narcissist uses to keep their victims jumping through their hoops:

     1.  Gaslighting:  Distorting reality by saying things like, "That didn't happen," or "You're crazy!"  It makes the victim not trust his or her own judgement which whittles away the victim's self esteem until exhaustion.
         SOLUTION:  Document everything so you can keep reality straight and keep sticking to the facts.  Don't let him or her whittle away at your truth. 
     2.  Changing the subject to avoid accountability:  Narcissists will not take accountability for their actions and will turn the conversation to a different subject to benefit themselves. 
          SOLUTION:  Be a broken record and keep stating the facts.  If the narcissist doesn't listen and talk about the current issue, disengage.  
     3.  Projection:  Blaming the victim for the very thing the victim is blaming the narcissist for.  They aren't accountable for anything and have to blame others for any faults that are surfacing.  It's very abusive to the victim allowing self-doubt to flood the victim's mind.
          SOLUTION:  Realize what the narcissist is doing and don't accept any of the blame shifting tactics as your own faults.  Be strong and educate yourself and verbally reject their crazy talk.  
     4.  Name-calling:  A fast and easy way to devalue another is by name-calling.  It's an easy tactic to use in a hurry.  It's abusive and sad to see a grown individual use this tactic against a person he or she is supposed to love.  It's used to invalidate the emotions and opinions of the victim. 
          SOLUTION:  Don't tolerate the childish behavior that is being displayed nor internalize it.  Realize that there is a major problem in your difficult relationship and disengage.   
     5.  Hoovering:  Lying to their victims with empty promises, fake remorse and gifts showing how they will change and be a better person.  They are very charming and will push your boundaries.  This is the main reason why victims keep going back or stay longer.
          SOLUTION:  Reinforce your boundaries and give the narcissist consequences if your boundaries are violated. 
     6.  Control:  Controlling every aspect of your life is their goal.  Your emotions, finances, spiritual, and physical being will be controlled to a point.  It's their fuel and realize that you will loose yourself to the incessant control tactic if you don't fight back.
          SOLUTION:  Take care of yourself by making time to engage in self-care.  Turn your cell phone off, visit your friends, go to the gym and make sure you have the finances to escape when you have reached your last straw, which will happen unfortunately.  Take the control back for your life!  You aren't meant to live in sadness every day. 
     7.  Threats:  Making threats helps them feel superior and in control.  He or she will say "Do this or I'll do that," to instill fear in the victim to further devalue and control.  It's a red flag when an adult can't have an intelligent conversation that includes compromise.
          SOLUTION:  Stand firm and document all threats to use legally if need be.  Consider getting out of the relationship.
     8.  Triangulation:  Bringing in the opinions of others to validate their abuse and make their victims jealous and/or insecure.  This tactic is meant to make the victim look like the crazy one and to make the narcissist smell like a rose to everyone in the outside world.  It leaves the victim questioning him or her self and possibly believing that the narcissist is a good person after all, therefore staying longer. 
          SOLUTION:  Seek support from someone who isn't under the control of the narcissist.  Seek your own validation, document events, and expose the tactics when you can.  Realize that the third person is also being manipulated by the narcissist very cleverly, so be strong and stand in your truth.  Pick your battles and realize the truth will come out eventually.   
     9.  Smear campaigns:  They talk poorly with smear campaigns about any victim who leaves them or who can't be manipulated.  The goal is to make others view the victim in a poor light.  It takes away the support network for the victim and attempts to ruin his or her reputation.  Stalking the victim can also be a part of this tactic.
          SOLUTION:  Be mindful of your reactions and document all stalking and slander.  Stay true to the facts and persevere until their mask starts to come off.  Time reveals the truth, always.  Get a lawyer who is familiar with NPD.
     10.  Preemptive defense:  Narcissists aren't good people and they know it.  Sometimes they will tell you how great they are before their actions reveal the truth.  They will tell you they are a good person and that you can trust them early on in the relationship.  They overstate how wonderful they are which isn't normal behavior and a red flag.   
          SOLUTION:  Don't trust empty words of greatness, but wait for time to reveal their actions.  Beware when someone wants you to trust them early on in the relationship.  Sit back and evaluate why they are emphasizing their apparent good qualities so much.  It's not normal behavior and needs time to reveal the actual truth. 

     There are more tactics and more solutions, but I hope this list helps victims get a start on regaining their life back with education.  It's astounding that there are people out there who are like this and seek to destroy others.  It begins with educating yourself and gaining the strength to live life again.  Good luck! 

Post Narcissistic Stress Disorder (PNSD)

     After a victim gets out of a narcissistic abusive relationship there are after-affects.  The after-affects are part of post narcissistic stress disorder which is similar to the common term post traumatic stress disorder.  Victims experience things and events that are triggers.  These triggers take the victim back in time to their abusive relationship.  Triggers can include, a smell, a food, a place, a song or another person who looks like their abuser.  These triggers make the victim play back horrible memories and can create anxiety.  The victim in turn is emotionally volatile and sometimes numb toward others.  Victims avoid people or circumstances such as social gatherings.  The memories of the violent rages can be intrusive and lingering.  Victims sometimes still suffer from poor self esteem and the confidence to take on new tasks.  Sometimes substance abuse comes into play to try to cope with the  nightmares and images that surface.  Sometimes victims have memory problems and are reluctant to start new relationships due to fear of being abused again.  Sometimes victims are pessimistic about the future and are irritable and angry.  Victims can engage in self-destructive behavior and have extreme self-doubt.  Insomnia, panic attacks and crying are also lasting affects of narcissistic abuse along with paranoia. 
     Educating yourselves about the after-affects of narcissistic abuse is the first step to healing.  Seek a counselor and slowly the triggers will fade.  Realize it isn't your fault and don't blame yourself.  If you have survived this type of abuse, you are a warrior!